mask (not) mandatory

I recently got the most deliriously sick I've ever been in a while, and it was also my first time being sick while living on my own (or as on-my-own as one gets with a roommate I don't talk to) [I am too much of a hermit]. All things considered, for this to be my first time getting sick in more than half a year is not bad at all. And it was weird to be the only one taking care of myself, because no matter how many "hope you feel better"s I got at school or work or over text, I was the one who had to take the brunt of caring for myself.

It wasn't covid, thankfully, but it obliterated my ability to think and do much of anything other than reread a hilariously toxic manga series (Black Bird) I last read over a decade ago, and marathon episodes of a podcast (Sad Boyz) so I felt less alone. I would call my family, desperate to talk because I was unable to get out and about, but then my nose would plug up and make conversation nearly impossible. I stayed in my room 90% of the time to protect my roommate, my classmates, and the outside world.

However, sickness or not, I am still a student and that means I had to attend classes. And I am still an employee and that means I had to go to work. So alas, the outside world had to have me foisted upon it whether it wanted me or not.

my favorite mask, it's full of spider-verse spider-men!

I'm incredibly grateful masks have become somewhat normalized, because oh, man, I did not want to spread this thing to anyone else. It was (and is, since I'm still sick) nasty, and I'm a relatively healthy young individual. If I had to be interacting with the world, I was wearing a mask to prevent spreading it as best I could. And I discovered that apparently... most people... don't do that?

More than one person told me, to my face, that it was sweet of me that I was masking up. What? I just care about my fellow individuals, to know I spread something to them would give me a deep pain, so of course I'm masking! Why wouldn't I! It takes less than 2 seconds to do so and has such benefit with so few downsides! And it works as a great signal that I am a bit of a contagious loose cannon, so people know to stay away.

But masks aren't mandatory anymore. And I think most people don't expend that same mental effort towards others in their surroundings. It saddens me, to notice that. I will keep masking, when the need arises, even when they're not mandatory. I'd feel weird not doing that, knowing I was coughing into their bare air. I would have happily stayed home and self-quarantined the whole week if it weren't for the obligations I had.

Alright, now please let me be self-focused and gripe about the torments of the mucus. I may be "sweet" in my hopes to prevent spreading my illness, but I also want to discuss some aspects of being ill that are unique to me.

The worst part about getting sick for me is the ear pressure. Anything that affects the nose never fails to incorporate my ears (thank you, nasopharyngeal passageways). And as someone who is hard of hearing, who wears hearing aids, oh... no... It is incredibly painful and dampens my ability to hear. And I Already Can't Hear Well. My loss is moderately severe (50-70dB across the board) and with the pressure it absolutely tips into the severe scale. At some points while I was sick, the ear pressure was so intense that I couldn't hear myself talk when my hearing aids were out, and I practically bellow when my hearing aids are out so that's intense.

Having to wear my hearing aids hurts. I can't explain the way the pressure ramps up. I already get listening fatigue that causes headaches, so add in that I'm sick - and having to focus to listen a lot more because of it - combined with pressure behind my tympanic membrane because my eustachian tube isn't draining properly... Every bit of sound hits the tympanic membrane and sends a spike of pain through me. All I can think to describe it as is that it's like you were hitting a drum that has the drum head pulled way too tight. That still feels inadequate... but it's the best my still-sick brain can come up with.

And don't get me started on the dizziness!!! I have to put the hearing aids in to hear but then they make me want to fall over! Life is cruel, being sick sucks, ugh. But I have really noticed this time around that, wow, already having a disability makes being ill really hit harder than I think it would for "normal" individuals. I have to intentionally cause myself pain and persevere through it just to attempt to exist at the same level as my peers when they are sick. Fascinating. (By which I mean, guys, this isn't fair.)

a warning sign, and a log: sick

To chronicle the torments my flesh components went through, here is an outline of my symptoms and experiences, for no other purpose than to say I am happy most of these are no longer happening to my body and I'm grateful I am... slightly able to breathe:

• I noticed a tickle in my throat when I woke up, but needed to persevere through my clinic rotation and do my darndest in administering a pure tone audiometric exam, so I pushed through.
• I thought perhaps my throat was just dry, but no amount of water was fixing this.
• My throat started to hurt by the end of the evening, definitively painful.
• Swallowing was painful and for two moments I feared it was strep, but I still could swallow.
  • Also I think I'm innoculated against strep throat due to how frequently I had it as a child...
  • Which is a blessing because I don't want to develop antibiotic resistance.
  • I'm digressing, sorry.
• Regardless, the looming sense of Something Bad on the Horizon was very much there.

• To tell you the truth, I cannot recall much of Saturday.
• I woke up feeling horrible, my throat hurt and speaking was a difficulty.
• Spent most of the day in bed, hoping if I just rested enough I could kick this thing back where it came from.
• I do know I called my family and talked to them the entire time they drove home from a concert.
• I didn't even have it in me to feel jealous.
• All I could feel was pain.
• Over the course of the day, the throat affect became a nasal affect with the pressure moving upwards which was just lovely.
  • Ear pressure and being hard of hearing was detailed in this paragraph set up above.

• This day conspired to trick me into thinking all was well.
• I managed to go to a study group and was able to speak a lot better than the day before.
• I thought I was getting better?
• No. No, I was not.
• By the end of the day, everything was 10x worse and I knew the rest of the week was about to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs.
• The ear pressure hath arrived with a vengeance and made just sitting up an agonizing affair, walking was dangerous, and my brain HURTS.

spinning chair offers no solace for the weary today

• Finally forced myself to take ibuprofen for the pressure headaches, a rarity.
• I dislike taking medication of any kind because I have a warped perception of not wanting to become too reliant on it.
  • This stems from chronic pain I was dealing with for about 5 years that I knew if I started taking pain medication for it, I would build a tolerance, so I had to just endure the whole time and now I'm very bad at accurately portraying how much pain I'm in.
  • This is definitely perfectly fine and won't have consequences for me later in life. /s
• Managed to sit through two lectures, didn't cough very much so I wasn't a nuisance.
• But I also couldn't really breathe as my nose kept getting plugged up.
• Unintended benefit of masks - can hide the mouth breathing.
• I didn't talk until the very end of our 4 hour block of lectures.
• And it was at that moment, seeing how wide their eyes got hearing my voice, that I knew they knew how sick I really was.
• Forced myself to eat a real lunch because without food my body cannot heal itself.
• I'm realizing how much I'm typing "forced myself" here, but it's true.
• If it were my choice, I'd have just laid in bed awaiting death's swift mercy.
• But that's not realistic. And I'm the adult, so I have to take care of myself.
• Who put me in charge of this stubborn human who flinches at the thought of going in to just get food, most people can do that no problem!!
• Whack.
• It's a lot of sternly talking myself through the steps of existence.
• No, you can't just go home without acquiring sustenance. You'll faint.
• Drink the water. I don't care that you can't breathe for the two seconds you're doing it, drink it.
• I know it feels easier to just lay here, but you should shower because it'll help you feel better. No, I know you're dizzy, just try. Go slow.
• You can't fall asleep yet, because if you do, you'll wake up at 2AM and be pissed. Try to maintain the rhythm. But you can close your eyes a little while listening to something.
• I know you're comfy in this position, but you can't breathe, so time to move. Yes, even if it makes your ribs ache.
• For every little thing. Every step. Gently coaxing myself through it.
• Becaue there's no one else here to do it for me.
• I'm so tired, y'all.
• Had a final meeting with one of my professors that I am still thinking about.
• Honestly having that discussion while deliriously ill was a perfect one-two combo out of my nightmares.
• It was important, I had to focus, but also I was trying not to explode into a ball of mucus the entire time.
• 0/10 experience, I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
• But also a 10/10 experience because the words I received were very good?
• Conflicted emotions on this one, guys.
• When I got home it became apparent just how shredded my voice was because I had to record myself giving a lecture and edit it.
• It weirdly helped with the editing process because it was not me on the recording.
• Also made me have a weird thought about how some people find the deepening of a voice when someone sounds sick to be like... attractive?
• I cannot relate, it just sounds painful to me.

chicky soup

• I've gone full rogue and added DayQuil™ into my medication list because the ear pressure was just so incredibly unbearable.
• I stood there staring at the little medication aisle in my tiny, teeny convenience store that I could walk to while feeling dizzy and I recognized none of it.
• I mean, as discussed, I rarely take ibuprofen, why the hell would I know what any of this is.
• Truly I was so hazy that I think I saw "relieves pressure" and went "yes, that one" without much other thought.
• But it's an example of having to be the one to take care of myself.
• I got a microwaveable Campbell's chicken noodle soup bowl.
• Mainly because I dreaded the idea of standing and cooking for 10+ minutes with my ears like this.
• And also coughing all over my roommate's area where she eats.
• And all over her cooking utensils.
• And just coughing in the shared spaces in general...
• So something I could microwave for 1.5 minutes seemed perfect.
• It was... not bad. Warm. It helped.
• I spent all of Tuesday intentionally resting, which is very hard for me to let myself do, my boss had to email me and remind me it was okay to take a sick day for me to actually do that.
• This was the day where I did a majority of my reading of Black Bird and listening to Sad Boyz for when my eyes hurt too much to keep open.

my elixir, my one thing keeping my ears from exploding.

• Only by the power of DayQuil™ and pure spite did I manage to survive this day.
• Forced myself to attend my singular class that was 50 minutes long because come on man, it's just 50 minutes.
• I immediately regretted it and spent 50% of the class leaning against the wall with my eyes closed, but I did take incredibly scribbled notes and have an understanding of the skill I was being taught.
• Sat in my car for half an hour debating the logistics of going to work. Decided to do it.
• Once again immediate regret.
• I was only there for half an hour and I already wanted to leave.
• I worked for 4.5 hours and, to make life worth living, played around with code and dithering images.

• Finally, finally woke up able to breathe and with my ears feeling a lot less pressurized.
• No major dizziness or headaches, I managed to survive a full work day without the elixir of DayQuil™.
• I still can't breathe effectively, but at least I can breathe, which is an improvement overall compared to days prior.

• I once again woke up without fearing for the life of my middle ear system so it's the closest I've gotten to waking up with a smile on my face since this all started.
• I still periodically get a stuffy nose, but no more major coughing, no more intense pressure headaches.
• This is very good news because I have to drive a car for hours so feeling good is a sign I'll be able to endure that trial as it arrives.
• Had fun working on this little thing as a creative expression, how meta, you're reading about me working on the thing you're reading!!

Thank you for coming to my vent post about feeling ill, I had fun making it and it kept my brain busy. Got my fingers crossed I'm on the continual upswing. I have so much I want to work on this spring, I've gotta get better!!

I hope you are well. I hope you have a lovely rest of your day.