why I've been hesitant
posted: 30 oct 2023Hi! I’ve been meaning to work on my website and several other projects for months! Oops! What’s wrong with me! (I also did start grad school, so that’s a factor, but I did waste all summer that could have been spent here.) Let’s try to dissect why this has been happening, which I’ve somewhat attributed to the weird feeling I have regarding text versus voice in sharing the things I’d like to say.
When I write, I hear it in my voice, but releasing written opinions online often feels a bit like trusting the ether not to mischaracterize the minute elements of my brain. My voice becomes ever so slightly shifted when it is read through your brain. This might be why I love video essays as a concept so much, the writing that I wrote in my voice then gets read aloud in my voice and often is more engaging to listen to than to read. But perhaps that is my own (suspected) ADHD addled thinking applying itself to the concept, since I sometimes am loath to read long bodies of text on screens… despite being the type of person to write long bodies of text. Run on sentences are also not as noticeable when speaking compared to reading… I am verbose and unashamed. My thoughts spiral on top of each other, which leads to long sentences, and longer paragraphs, and longer overall word counts of my projects. I cannot shut up. There is a reason why one of the first blogs I made when I was a wee bab on the web was titled “Rachel’s Ramblings” because that is truly what happens when I open my mouth (or type on a keyboard) and discuss things I find interesting.
I’m trying to find a middle ground for things I want to make and share. For some reason, I don’t mind fiction and poetry projects being read as text alone. That type of art is always colored by the viewer’s perception and I’m fine with that, have been fine with that for years. The way two people can listen to the same song or read a piece and come out of it with drastically different emotions and likes/dislikes is one of my favorite things about being a human who consumes art.
But my opinions and the things I really am passionate about, I find myself wishing I could attach my voice. The little inflections that can totally shift the meaning of a sentence and highlight different aspects of it. I like hearing people be excited about their interests, and text on a screen feels a lot colder compared to when I watch a video and can at least hear that joy/anger/insert-other-large-emotion-here if not also see it on their face. A middle ground would maybe be to record audio files for each blog post and attach them, so whichever modality suits you is there? Also increases accessibility for any prospective readers/listeners/consumers (ew, consumers, what a sterile way to think of individuals looking at your art or writing), which is a huge win and something I’m always thinking about as a disabled individual myself. It’s complex and difficult to navigate because on one hand, I want to add my voice. On the other, dear god listening to my voice back to edit it has to be one of the worst circles of hell that exists in the mortal plane. Not to mention finding a quiet place to record is nigh on impossible when living in an apartment building with supremely thin glass windows - you’d likely just have to suffer through the sounds of life that seep through.
I also think my brain likes rules, or standards, or expectations. Yet, creating things, especially in the webosphere, is almost never rigid and easy and simple. The things I want to make, the way I like to talk about things, is not going to conform to a standard I’ve seen anyone else do. And it never will. So trying to maintain someone else’s routine or method of sharing (be it mimicking an editing style, or trying to put all my creations in one sphere like YouTube or Instagram) is just setting myself up for failure, burnout, and a loss of creative interest. Half the reason I’ve fallen down the hole of making my own website is because then I don’t have to choose and I don’t have to follow any other rules.
This whole post has been a long-winded way of saying: I’m scared. Making things is daunting, sharing them is even scarier, and I don’t know yet what I want to do. But I have to just start, because every beginning is clunky and I’ll find a rhythm to my way of making things with time. Whether that means sometimes I just randomly drop a 10,000 word deep dive in text alone, or upload a 10 minute rambly video about whatever hyperfixation has been on my mind this week, it’s all valid and creative and me. And if there is one thing I am not hesitant about, it’s me.
Perhaps I’ll issue myself a challenge. Upload something every other day for a month, be it a blog post or a video or a piece of art. It’ll force me to start and, once the momentum hits, I don’t like to stop. Self-imposed deadlines don’t work unless I have a challenge attached like this (evidence: I did 3 monthly art challenges in one year out of spite, but haven’t posted here in 6 months due to no challenge). Accountability, maybe? I will have to devise a way to either reward myself or punish myself for getting the things I want done to be done. Having a website where I can attach my videos with entire transcripts beneath (for those who prefer to read) or place references or addendums as time goes on is really exciting. Creating is exciting, and trying to find a “method” is what’s slowing me down. So I have to just make.
We’ll see when that happens. Hopefully, maybe, see you soon.
Also, uhhhh, since I’m a visual person, have a moodboard of images I try to keep in mind while I’m existing on this mortal coil and desperate to share the little facets of myself.
in the spirit of the deviantart journals I used to make back in 2013, just for fun, what I'm currently:
listening to: playboy lover by emi larraud
watching: scooby-doo!: the movie (2002)